Mike J

I am Mike J, Kosher Mad Cow Zombie, God of Hellfire! All bow down, and worship my asscock!

Mike J
Gender	Male
Affiliation	Running With Scissors Zombies Edensin
Status	Immortal
Portrayed by	Michael Jaret-Schachter

Michael Jaret-Schachter (Mike J for short) is the Chief Bidet Officer and Co-Owner of Running With Scissors. He is a major character in the POSTAL series.

Real Life

Mike J used to be a vocal and guitarist in the progressive metal band called Wrythe, Their status so far is unknown but the band's most popular song, "On Silent Wings" can be heard in the house with a dog in the Main Street area, on Monday and Friday.

POSTAL 2

His office in the RWS headquarters is located in the restroom, next to Vince Desi's office. In POSTAL 2, Mike J doesn't play a large role other than being one of the RWS staff members to fight the Protestors when the hate group assaults the RWS headquarters. After Monday, Mike J can be seen roaming around in other areas of Paradise such as the Church and Earl's Elephant Ranch and Grill.

Apocalypse Weekend

Mike J first appears immediately after the Postal Dude escapes from the Hospital, selling health pipes at $100 each. If the Dude has enough money, he can buy some from him.

After the Dude kills some elephants for Rosco, Vince informs the Postal Dude that Mike J has been infected with the mad cow disease.

After the Postal Dude crosses the Bridge, he finally manages to find his trailer. Suddenly, he experiences a hallucination. The ground shakes, and he finds the corpses of several National Guard soldiers. A zombified Mike J. then appears, in the form of a gigantic cow-like demon with horns, and stingers on the back. Mike J's appearance and introduction prompt the Postal Dude to say that the one of the game designers has lost "his tiny mind". Mike J is also revealed to be the leader of the zombies, with some of them actually appearing during the battle to aid him.

Boss Battle Strategy

To defeat the boss, the Postal Dude must destroy the floating little Gary Coleman heads over Mike J's head, which act as a shield for him. He leaves a trail of fire after him as he walks, and throws fireballs and milkshots from his udder from time to time. Mike J has 4947 HP, and on Insane-o difficulty and above he has 7300. Before going on to fight him, it is highly recommended to stock up on weapons, especially Rocket Launchers and Grenades. If playing in enhanced mode, make sure you have a sawed-off shotgun and lots of ammo because you'll win the fight in seconds.

Paradise Lost

Mike J reappears in Paradise Lost. He has taken over the Junkyard and is one of the faction leaders that the Postal Dude must work with. At the end of Tuesday, he and an army of zombies assault the Church of the VD Clan, and captures the Postal Dude.

On Wednesday, Mike J gives the Postal Dude a list of errands to complete so he can proceed with a wedding. At the end of Wednesday, it's revealed that Mike J's bride is the Postal Dude's ex-wife, "The Bitch". After the resulting battle between the Postal Dude and the Bitch, Mike J revives her with his "Life-Giving Man Milk", at the cost of restoring her overweight form. Enraged, Mike J banishes the Dude from the Junkyard, which he seems content with.

Mike J reappears on Friday alongside the Bitch, both of them have followed the two Postal Dudes into the Hell Hole. During the boss battle, Mike J will heal the Bitch with his Man Milk. After the final boss battle between the Postal Dude and the Bitch, Mike J declares war with the other faction leaders, causing a third Apocalypse. If the Postal Dude opts to take down the faction leaders, Mike J can be fought at the Junkyard, using a revised version of his boss battle from Apocalypse Weekend.

June 2016 Mall Grand Reopening

Mike J at the Steme store front desk

Mike J appears in the 2016 mall grand reopening, working the cash register at the Steme store.

Postal III

Mike J, in his Mad Cow form, makes a cameo appearance in Postal III. He can be seen during the outro cutscene of the Paradise Dream Bridge level, and makes several appearances on posters labelled "Cowboss".

POSTAL 4: No Regerts

Mike J reappears in POSTAL 4: No Regerts as the mayor of Edensin, and owns the local bidet store in town, Mike J's Bidets.

He first appears on Wednesday, having extradited the Postal Dude back into the city from Mexico to give him a list of jobs. These jobs include installing bidets, crashing Kunny Island's grand opening, improving relations with Mexico and doing yet another petition. After the player completes these jobs, Mike J books the Dude a room in a "swanky lodge somewhere in the mountains".

Strangely, Mike J appears as a human despite being a Mad Cow Zombie in Apocalypse Weekend and Paradise Lost, something the Dude acknowledged.

Trivia

• Urinating on his in-game character in the Steam version of POSTAL 2 causes him to begin dancing.
• During Halloween, he can be seen with green face paint.
• Lots of characters in the game use the same facemap as Mike J's, most notably the trans characters at "Fire in the Hole" and Mr. Murray (whom he also voices) from Eternal Damnation.
• Thanks to his appearance as a physical entity in Paradise Lost, Mad Cow Mike J's status as a hallucination in Apocalypse Weekend can be called into question.
• While Jaret-Schachter was the producer for Postal III, he didn't have a character role in the game as himself. He did do the voiceover work, however, for a number of characters, most notably Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden, as well as the Postal Dude's interviewer in a majority of the game's cinematics.
  • He also provided the voiceover for Mayor Chomo before Ron Jeremy was brought in to voice the character.
• When you cut off one of his legs, he can say a few humorous phrases such as:
  • "Can you call my wife? I just want one more blowjob before I die."
  • " Can you do me a favor and touch my dick? I think I've lost all feeling in it."
  • "Don't kill me yet! I haven't had sex with 100 women!"
• He is the only boss in Postal 2 (Steam version) who still uses the life number display instead of the life bar (false as of v5100 update).

Gallery

Mike in the Running with Scissors offices

Mike J and The Bitch in Hell Hole.

Jaret-Schachter in real life, circa 2011

Mike as the mayor of Edensin in POSTAL 4